An eye-opening experience my bishop shared with me.

From 1998 to 2008 I remained mostly stable on anti-depressants.  I still had lows but not to the point of wanting to die.  I kept seeing my psychiatrist and he made minor adjustments to my medication now and then and I felt okay.  Then things changed dramatically.

In the spring of 2008 my psychiatrist thought that my medication probably needed to be changed because the anti-depressants I was on at the time seemed to be losing their effectiveness.  I was the primary president in our ward at the time and our 3 children were ages 5 1/2, 7, (both boys) and our daughter was 9 and 1/2.

In April or May of 2008, I found out a friend of mine was also struggling with depression and was trying to cope with alcohol. One afternoon I noticed her in her front yard, extremely distressed.  She was sobbing and asked me to hug her over and over as she talked to me.  I was able to recognize her deep feelings of hopelessness and despair as she described what had been going on in her life.  I asked her if she had talked to our Bishop and she told me "He wouldn't understand."  But she begged for me to tell our Bishop what was going on, which I did right away through email. I started going over to check on her and try to help her.  She continued to go downhill and she and her husband were losing their house.  She was too depressed to pack up her house so I ended up doing the majority of the packing.  It was hard but at the same time, it was actually a good distraction from my own thoughts and problems.  Plus it helped me realize that my bishop was a very safe person to talk to which would prove to be vital in the months ahead.

So, while all this was going on I was still tapering off one of my anti-depressants in order to try a different medication.  Life got heavier but I was so busy with so many things, I didn't notice right away.
I was trying to get our yard presentable because my brother and sister-in-law were going to get married in our backyard in May.  The night of the reception everything went well for the most part.  It was a Saturday night and I was up really late. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep.  Around 3-4 in the morning I took 2-3 sleeping pills out of sheer frustration.  When I woke up to go to ward council I was so tired but I went anyway.  During our meeting I started seeing everything in double and I have little memory of what happened after that. I was told that after our meeting my Bishop gave me a blessing and then someone took me home.  I slept for about 3 hours and when I woke up I walked over to our church to see how things had gone in Primary.  I also wanted to be there to see a couple recently called to primary, get set apart.  My Bishop seemed really mad about me coming back to church after such a rough morning.  The next day I sent him an email, basically apologizing for my selfish behavior and I asked him to please not release me from my calling.  He emailed me back and told me that releasing me was the furthest thing from his mind.  He also reassured me that I was a great primary president, which brought me much needed relief.

In June of that same year,  my 18 year old niece came to live with us.  Her family lives in a more rural part of Idaho and because of kidney failure my niece needed dialysis treatments 3 times a week.  For some reason having my niece live with us was extremely hard on me.  I started having severe anxiety and my depression was definitely getting worse. I had started a new anti-depressant but so far it hadn't seemed to be working.

I felt so out of control.....I hated it!  I silently pleaded with Heavenly Father that someone would talk some sense into me.....even though only a handful of people knew I was struggling so much.  I was so relieved and humbled when the following Sunday, my bishop called and asked if he could talk to me.  He shared an experience with me that I so desperately needed to hear.
It was August, 2008 when my bishop called me into his office and shared with me an experience he'd had while going on the pioneer trek with the youth in our ward and stake.  (He knew I had been really struggling with depression and anxiety.)
My bishop talked about how on the first day of the trek he felt strong and either pushed or pulled the handcart about 90% of the time. On the second day his legs were starting to hurt so he could only pull the handcart about 50% of the time. On the morning of the third day he had “shin splints” in his legs and he was hurting so badly that he could barely walk, let alone help pull the handcart. My bishop explained how disappointed he was in himself and the situation because he was determined to set a good example for the youth. He told me about how much he worried that he would appear weak or selfish and explained his feelings of helplessness.

While my bishop was telling me this story it was all I could do to keep my composure. First, it broke my heart that he would think/feel like he was failing anyone in any way when in fact he was doing the very best he could!
As I listened to my bishop's experience I kept thinking to myself, “Why is he being so hard on himself?” Then that night I wondered silently, “Why am I so hard on myself?” (We are our own worst critics!)

This was a very “eye opening” experience for me. Like I mentioned previously, I was the primary president at the time and the way my bishop had described his fears of appearing weak or selfish and how much he wanted to set a good example......those were THE EXACT same feelings and fears I  was having at the time! I felt so overwhelmed but I had to appear strong and collected and fulfill my responsibilities, especially with the primary program coming up the next month.

So often I felt beyond hope and like I was on the edge of disaster. The way I felt scared me so much and I would think to myself that at any moment I was going to “lose it” and do something that I would not only regret in this life, but in the eternities. I would go into my closet and put a towel over my face to try to muffle my sobs as I pleaded with Heavenly Father to please help me. He didn't take away my suffering but He helped me carry my burdens to make them more bearable for me. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father will do the same for you.  That's not to say that you will no longer suffer but the suffering will become more bearable as we do everything we possibly can to help ourselves.*

My bishop's experience helped me gain a new and very important perspective. It helped me realize that sometimes in our lives we are only going to be able to take “baby steps” but even baby steps in the right direction will eventually get us up the next “mountain”  He told me I need to give myself credit for the things I am doing right and not dwell so much on the things I think I should be doing, but don't seem to get around to.

It wasn't until a while later that it occurred to me that Heavenly Father wasn't punishing me by letting me suffer, but that he loves us so much that he wants us to draw closer to Him. And it is often when we experience trials that we realize how very much we need the help and guidance of our Heavenly Father to make it through each day.
It is so hard and almost unbearable as you struggle with the constant feelings of worthlessness, the self doubt, the hopelessness, the guilt, and the relentless negative thoughts that seem to want to destroy you and everyone who loves you. But, there is hope. I can testify of that.

Sincerely,
Shirley



* I was so opposed to therapy.  I thought it was such a waste of time and money.  My bishop had written a referral for me to see a counselor at LDS Family Services but after 2 visits, I quit.  I didn't want to talk to some "stranger" about the intimate details of my life and I had little to no hope of it even helping anyway.  Not talking to a therapist was a HUGE MISTAKE on my part and it just prolonged my suffering! It has been my experience that a person who is severely depressed is thinking so irrationally that the work of therapy cannot be done without medication.  (This is another story in and of itself that I will save for later.  But, I know you will be guided in your steps as you try to find the right medication and work with your therapist.  It is vital that you listen to and heed the counsel of those who love you and can see things clearly.)