The 'perfect' mom.

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and realized just how much I need to talk about some of the unflattering things about myself.  It used to be that I felt like I needed to put up a "perfect front" and I now recognize that I did that because I felt like I was failing in so many ways.

Whether we're depressed or not, my guess is this is a very common thing.
Let me explain:
As rewarding and wonderful as motherhood can be, sometimes I used to feel like motherhood was a pretty thankless job.  So often I would beat myself up for not being the 'perfect' mom, especially because I wanted to be a mom so much!!!!  My children overwhelmed me more times than not and I felt like I was failing not only them but also their birth-parents.

Several weeks ago we were watching some old videos of the kids when they were younger and they were SO CUTE!!!  My immediate thought was, "Why didn't I appreciate them more when they were young?"  I wanted to zap them back to when they were little and hold them and play with them more but the reality at the time was I was just trying to survive them.  Every week at church I would hear the same things: "Oh, they are getting so big"  "They grow up so fast"  "Enjoy them while you can." etc...  I would think to myself, "My kids will never grow up."  They would remain these little people that always needed more from me than I felt I had to give. Far too often, like everyday almost, I felt drained and exhausted.*

(*Of course, I need to mention that I also had a lot of fun with my kids, especially when we could get out of the house and forget about life for a while.  As hard as motherhood is,  my children are also my greatest joy.)

One night, I remember so well, my darling daughter who must have been around 5 or 6 asked me if I would come play "My Little Ponies" with her.  I was busy and distracted and kept telling her I'd be up in a few minutes.  It got late and I realized my daughter was being very quiet.  I went up to her room and there she was, sound asleep, with her "My Little Ponies" all around her.  I sunk to the floor on my knees, and as I cried I was reminded once again why I was the worst mom in the world.  (I can't even write about this without getting emotional all over again!)

Why hadn't I just dropped whatever I was doing and gone and played?! 
What was so important in my life that my daughter had to be last on my list of "To do's" 

When your children are young, you don't realize how quickly they really are changing and growing (at least I didn't) and you don't have the perspective of someone with older children because again,  your children are young.  I always felt like my darlings would never become self-sufficient.  Now that my kids are ages 15, 12, and 11, I KNOW that they won't. ;)  Okay, I'm only 1/2 serious.  But now it is clear how fast time has flown by and continues to fly by and my whole perspective has changed. Hind sight is always 20/20.  I'm thankful I at least have my kids still at home and for the times we still get to share.

No one, no matter how 'perfect' their lives may seem, is perfect!  I constantly compared myself to other mothers who always seemed to 'have it together'  and were, I thought, so much more capable and stronger than I was.  It is exhausting to always pretend that everything is alright. We are all just trying to do our best! 

This is just one of many reasons I admire one of my dear friends so much.  Brittany IS REAL!  She makes mistakes just like the rest of us and isn't afraid to admit it.  I feel so much more comfortable around her than I do with seemingly 'perfect' people/mom's.  I do not feel judgment from her, instead I see someone I can open up to and share my fears and inadequacies with.....someone who 'gets it!'

We aren't in competition with each other. What is hard for us may seem so easy for someone else and vise versa but the bottom line is:  most days we do our best, even if our best is just surviving.  I know it is so much easier said than done but try not to get caught up in thinking "If only I was more like him or her"  "If only I was stronger, better, less selfish....etc..."  You are who you are for a reason and while we all need a lot of refining, no one can take your place.  Our children came down to us because of our different talents and abilities and because of theirs and we learn so much from each other. We all have different trials that are REAL and HARD for us so to compare ourselves to the  'IDEAL' person will only make us feel worse.  That is NOT how our Father in Heaven wants us to feel.

 "Let us be more gentle with ourselves."  Michael McLean


~Shirley