This song pretty much encompasses how I feel about depression and hiding it for so long.  I feel like I'm finally free.....like I can just be me and that is good enough. I'm not so caught up in what others think....what matters is what my FATHER IN HEAVEN THINKS! He loves me unconditionally.  He loves you unconditionally.  Through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can overcome all things and be who we really are and who we were sent to earth to be.


“Let it Go” – Original music and lyrics by Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez
From the Disney movie, "FROZEN"

Here are the lyrics: 
(I left out a few lines from the original song but the rest remains untouched.
 I added some of my own comments in parenthesis.)


The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of  isolation and  it looks like I’m the queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free   (I'll do what I think/know is right and not worry so much about the rest.)

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go,
You’ll never see me cry    (You'll probably see me cry more.....just because I can feel the Spirit of God so strongly now.)
Here I stand and Here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on…

I’m never going back
The past is in the past (to be learned from...not to dwell on!)
Let  it go, let  it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here  I stand  in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway!  (Except for the fact that I hate the cold!!) :)

The 'perfect' mom.

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and realized just how much I need to talk about some of the unflattering things about myself.  It used to be that I felt like I needed to put up a "perfect front" and I now recognize that I did that because I felt like I was failing in so many ways.

Whether we're depressed or not, my guess is this is a very common thing.
Let me explain:
As rewarding and wonderful as motherhood can be, sometimes I used to feel like motherhood was a pretty thankless job.  So often I would beat myself up for not being the 'perfect' mom, especially because I wanted to be a mom so much!!!!  My children overwhelmed me more times than not and I felt like I was failing not only them but also their birth-parents.

Several weeks ago we were watching some old videos of the kids when they were younger and they were SO CUTE!!!  My immediate thought was, "Why didn't I appreciate them more when they were young?"  I wanted to zap them back to when they were little and hold them and play with them more but the reality at the time was I was just trying to survive them.  Every week at church I would hear the same things: "Oh, they are getting so big"  "They grow up so fast"  "Enjoy them while you can." etc...  I would think to myself, "My kids will never grow up."  They would remain these little people that always needed more from me than I felt I had to give. Far too often, like everyday almost, I felt drained and exhausted.*

(*Of course, I need to mention that I also had a lot of fun with my kids, especially when we could get out of the house and forget about life for a while.  As hard as motherhood is,  my children are also my greatest joy.)

One night, I remember so well, my darling daughter who must have been around 5 or 6 asked me if I would come play "My Little Ponies" with her.  I was busy and distracted and kept telling her I'd be up in a few minutes.  It got late and I realized my daughter was being very quiet.  I went up to her room and there she was, sound asleep, with her "My Little Ponies" all around her.  I sunk to the floor on my knees, and as I cried I was reminded once again why I was the worst mom in the world.  (I can't even write about this without getting emotional all over again!)

Why hadn't I just dropped whatever I was doing and gone and played?! 
What was so important in my life that my daughter had to be last on my list of "To do's" 

When your children are young, you don't realize how quickly they really are changing and growing (at least I didn't) and you don't have the perspective of someone with older children because again,  your children are young.  I always felt like my darlings would never become self-sufficient.  Now that my kids are ages 15, 12, and 11, I KNOW that they won't. ;)  Okay, I'm only 1/2 serious.  But now it is clear how fast time has flown by and continues to fly by and my whole perspective has changed. Hind sight is always 20/20.  I'm thankful I at least have my kids still at home and for the times we still get to share.

No one, no matter how 'perfect' their lives may seem, is perfect!  I constantly compared myself to other mothers who always seemed to 'have it together'  and were, I thought, so much more capable and stronger than I was.  It is exhausting to always pretend that everything is alright. We are all just trying to do our best! 

This is just one of many reasons I admire one of my dear friends so much.  Brittany IS REAL!  She makes mistakes just like the rest of us and isn't afraid to admit it.  I feel so much more comfortable around her than I do with seemingly 'perfect' people/mom's.  I do not feel judgment from her, instead I see someone I can open up to and share my fears and inadequacies with.....someone who 'gets it!'

We aren't in competition with each other. What is hard for us may seem so easy for someone else and vise versa but the bottom line is:  most days we do our best, even if our best is just surviving.  I know it is so much easier said than done but try not to get caught up in thinking "If only I was more like him or her"  "If only I was stronger, better, less selfish....etc..."  You are who you are for a reason and while we all need a lot of refining, no one can take your place.  Our children came down to us because of our different talents and abilities and because of theirs and we learn so much from each other. We all have different trials that are REAL and HARD for us so to compare ourselves to the  'IDEAL' person will only make us feel worse.  That is NOT how our Father in Heaven wants us to feel.

 "Let us be more gentle with ourselves."  Michael McLean


~Shirley




 

An eye-opening experience my bishop shared with me.

From 1998 to 2008 I remained mostly stable on anti-depressants.  I still had lows but not to the point of wanting to die.  I kept seeing my psychiatrist and he made minor adjustments to my medication now and then and I felt okay.  Then things changed dramatically.

In the spring of 2008 my psychiatrist thought that my medication probably needed to be changed because the anti-depressants I was on at the time seemed to be losing their effectiveness.  I was the primary president in our ward at the time and our 3 children were ages 5 1/2, 7, (both boys) and our daughter was 9 and 1/2.

In April or May of 2008, I found out a friend of mine was also struggling with depression and was trying to cope with alcohol. One afternoon I noticed her in her front yard, extremely distressed.  She was sobbing and asked me to hug her over and over as she talked to me.  I was able to recognize her deep feelings of hopelessness and despair as she described what had been going on in her life.  I asked her if she had talked to our Bishop and she told me "He wouldn't understand."  But she begged for me to tell our Bishop what was going on, which I did right away through email. I started going over to check on her and try to help her.  She continued to go downhill and she and her husband were losing their house.  She was too depressed to pack up her house so I ended up doing the majority of the packing.  It was hard but at the same time, it was actually a good distraction from my own thoughts and problems.  Plus it helped me realize that my bishop was a very safe person to talk to which would prove to be vital in the months ahead.

So, while all this was going on I was still tapering off one of my anti-depressants in order to try a different medication.  Life got heavier but I was so busy with so many things, I didn't notice right away.
I was trying to get our yard presentable because my brother and sister-in-law were going to get married in our backyard in May.  The night of the reception everything went well for the most part.  It was a Saturday night and I was up really late. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep.  Around 3-4 in the morning I took 2-3 sleeping pills out of sheer frustration.  When I woke up to go to ward council I was so tired but I went anyway.  During our meeting I started seeing everything in double and I have little memory of what happened after that. I was told that after our meeting my Bishop gave me a blessing and then someone took me home.  I slept for about 3 hours and when I woke up I walked over to our church to see how things had gone in Primary.  I also wanted to be there to see a couple recently called to primary, get set apart.  My Bishop seemed really mad about me coming back to church after such a rough morning.  The next day I sent him an email, basically apologizing for my selfish behavior and I asked him to please not release me from my calling.  He emailed me back and told me that releasing me was the furthest thing from his mind.  He also reassured me that I was a great primary president, which brought me much needed relief.

In June of that same year,  my 18 year old niece came to live with us.  Her family lives in a more rural part of Idaho and because of kidney failure my niece needed dialysis treatments 3 times a week.  For some reason having my niece live with us was extremely hard on me.  I started having severe anxiety and my depression was definitely getting worse. I had started a new anti-depressant but so far it hadn't seemed to be working.

I felt so out of control.....I hated it!  I silently pleaded with Heavenly Father that someone would talk some sense into me.....even though only a handful of people knew I was struggling so much.  I was so relieved and humbled when the following Sunday, my bishop called and asked if he could talk to me.  He shared an experience with me that I so desperately needed to hear.
It was August, 2008 when my bishop called me into his office and shared with me an experience he'd had while going on the pioneer trek with the youth in our ward and stake.  (He knew I had been really struggling with depression and anxiety.)
My bishop talked about how on the first day of the trek he felt strong and either pushed or pulled the handcart about 90% of the time. On the second day his legs were starting to hurt so he could only pull the handcart about 50% of the time. On the morning of the third day he had “shin splints” in his legs and he was hurting so badly that he could barely walk, let alone help pull the handcart. My bishop explained how disappointed he was in himself and the situation because he was determined to set a good example for the youth. He told me about how much he worried that he would appear weak or selfish and explained his feelings of helplessness.

While my bishop was telling me this story it was all I could do to keep my composure. First, it broke my heart that he would think/feel like he was failing anyone in any way when in fact he was doing the very best he could!
As I listened to my bishop's experience I kept thinking to myself, “Why is he being so hard on himself?” Then that night I wondered silently, “Why am I so hard on myself?” (We are our own worst critics!)

This was a very “eye opening” experience for me. Like I mentioned previously, I was the primary president at the time and the way my bishop had described his fears of appearing weak or selfish and how much he wanted to set a good example......those were THE EXACT same feelings and fears I  was having at the time! I felt so overwhelmed but I had to appear strong and collected and fulfill my responsibilities, especially with the primary program coming up the next month.

So often I felt beyond hope and like I was on the edge of disaster. The way I felt scared me so much and I would think to myself that at any moment I was going to “lose it” and do something that I would not only regret in this life, but in the eternities. I would go into my closet and put a towel over my face to try to muffle my sobs as I pleaded with Heavenly Father to please help me. He didn't take away my suffering but He helped me carry my burdens to make them more bearable for me. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father will do the same for you.  That's not to say that you will no longer suffer but the suffering will become more bearable as we do everything we possibly can to help ourselves.*

My bishop's experience helped me gain a new and very important perspective. It helped me realize that sometimes in our lives we are only going to be able to take “baby steps” but even baby steps in the right direction will eventually get us up the next “mountain”  He told me I need to give myself credit for the things I am doing right and not dwell so much on the things I think I should be doing, but don't seem to get around to.

It wasn't until a while later that it occurred to me that Heavenly Father wasn't punishing me by letting me suffer, but that he loves us so much that he wants us to draw closer to Him. And it is often when we experience trials that we realize how very much we need the help and guidance of our Heavenly Father to make it through each day.
It is so hard and almost unbearable as you struggle with the constant feelings of worthlessness, the self doubt, the hopelessness, the guilt, and the relentless negative thoughts that seem to want to destroy you and everyone who loves you. But, there is hope. I can testify of that.

Sincerely,
Shirley



* I was so opposed to therapy.  I thought it was such a waste of time and money.  My bishop had written a referral for me to see a counselor at LDS Family Services but after 2 visits, I quit.  I didn't want to talk to some "stranger" about the intimate details of my life and I had little to no hope of it even helping anyway.  Not talking to a therapist was a HUGE MISTAKE on my part and it just prolonged my suffering! It has been my experience that a person who is severely depressed is thinking so irrationally that the work of therapy cannot be done without medication.  (This is another story in and of itself that I will save for later.  But, I know you will be guided in your steps as you try to find the right medication and work with your therapist.  It is vital that you listen to and heed the counsel of those who love you and can see things clearly.)

Having a hard time right now.....

Classic thought of mine......"I'm doing so good mentally so I'm going to lower my anti-depressant dose and get off my anxiety pills."  When will I ever learn? 
  
About 2 months ago, I switched from one anti-depressant to another that is supposed to do the same thing but is much cheaper.  The dose went down a little too.* 

What I've slowly begun to notice, especially this week: 

*I'm losing interest in the activities I enjoy like going to school,   reading, writing, going to Deseret Industries, etc....
*I've found myself thinking some of my old negative thoughts like "I hate life." "What's the point?" "I'm never going to accomplish my goals."  The thoughts are so automatic.
*I don't want to leave my house and I especially don't want to socialize.
*Saying my prayers and reading my scriptures feels more like a burden rather than something I enjoy.  
*I'm having a much harder time being able to trust my feelings or    rely on the promptings of the Spirit because my thinking is flawed.
*I feel more vulnerable and weak. 
*I get emotional very easily.
*I become extremely self-critical.
*The amount of effort it takes to do everyday tasks feels very 'heavy'
*My personal hygiene has started to suffer. 
*In the past few months I have set goals that I was doing really well with but in the last week I have slacked a lot on. 
*The feeling of confidence that I was finally enjoying has gone away. 
*I feel extremely selfish!
*I discount the nice things that people tell me.
*Too many self-defeating behaviors and thoughts!!!! 


The thought that always comes to my mind when I get so down is this, "I should know better by now and be able to stop these feelings by changing my attitude."  That thought usually just increases my anxiety, especially because it's just not that simple.  And for those of you who have felt it, you know exactly what I am talking about.  The thought that "I just need to be stronger and not so selfish" doesn't help either. (I've tested that theory more times than I can even begin to count.)

So, what helps when I recognize what is happening? (Being able to recognize what is happening before you sink so low is something that has taken me years to figure out but if you can catch yourself 'going downhill' then you will be much further ahead.)
 Here are some of the things that help me:

*First and foremost: cut yourself a break! (haha....what I'm trying to say is cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break.) You would never choose to feel this way so don't beat yourself up with I 'should's' and "I wish I hads" and 'if only's' Do what you can even if it means taking baby steps or just surviving. Remember, 9 times out of 10, no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.
When you are so low you aren't going to be able to continue to do the things you did when you weren't depressed. (That's pretty obvious.)  I am so bad about this when I'm not thinking straight.  In the past I would ask myself things like, "What is wrong with you?" and "Why can't you just be happy?" These thoughts will get you nowhere and will only add more guilt to your already guilt-ridden mind. 

*Just writing down my thoughts and feelings, like I am doing here, helps me take a step back and re-evaluate my approach and my need to "change my course of action" so to speak.
*Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is so helpful.  I highly recommend it to anyone having unwanted negative thoughts about themselves and life in general.  CBT will cause you to challenge your automatic negative thoughts and distortions so you see things more clearly.
*Talking to someone I trust, look up to and respect.
*DOING SOMETHING!  Just making the call to your doctors office may feel overwhelming but don't waste time in getting help.  Life may feel hopeless, you may feel hopeless but don't allow yourself to believe that everything is hopeless because it is not!  As much as I don't want to, I will most likely need to switch back to the higher priced anti-depressant, Aplenzin.  I've already "waited it out" for several weeks now, hoping things will improve but they are not. 
*Keeping a journal of how I feel helps me 'catch' and recognize how much I am dropping in hopes that I won't drop so far. 
*Do not believe your negative thoughts. This one is especially hard because you just aren't thinking rationally. Most often when you or someone you love is struggling with depression, you/they actually believe that they are somehow flawed so badly that nothing will help. (Again, Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you challenge what you so automatically tell yourself and the negative thoughts you might be "entertaining" and even believing.)  I wasn't able to do this until I was put on anti-depressants and working with a therapist and even then, it wasn't easy, but it definitely helps!
*Lifting someone else's burdens, even just a little by sending a card or giving someone a hug will help both you and them.  It's like my dear bishop taught me, "The more we help others, the more we help ourselves."  I believe that whole-heartedly.
*Positive distractions. The last thing you are going to want to do is get out of the house. But just getting out and going to a movie or for a walk, taking a drive up the mountains or along the coast (depending on where you live) will help distract your mind.  I love being in the mountains and escaping all the mundane things of life.  Even little things can make a difference like taking a blanket to the park and having a picnic.  

Please feel free to share what has helped you the most when you are depressed.

Shirley





*Two months ago I was taking an anti-depressant called Aplenzin ER (Bupropion HBR) but it is so expensive.  My brother is almost finished with his internship as a pharmacist and he told me that there is a much cheaper drug that does the same thing, Bupropion Hcl Xl.  Come to find out, the latter anti-depressant is Wellbutrin, which I had been on for about 10 years before I switched to Aplenzin.  My psychiatrist said that the difference between the two drugs is Aplenzin is mixed differently?  It also doesn't help that my thyroid is once again "off" Anyway, it's been about 2 months since I changed from taking the  Aplenzin.  I couldn't even go a few days without my taking an anxiety pill even though I am only taking .05mg. a day.   

Deciding to adopt

For the next 8 months after my car accident, and after much fasting, prayer and priesthood blessings, my answer about adopting came in the most unlikely of places.  (Grant had already made up his mind about wanting to adopt and was just waiting for me to decide for myself.)  One of the jobs I had had since high school was cleaning other peoples houses.  One couple who's house I had cleaned had a little boy that Grant and I tended sometimes.  One night in December of 1997 while we were tending 'Sam' we were watching a movie called, "Beauty and the Beast Christmas" (I think that's what it was called) Anyway, in one of the scenes, Forte, the wicked 'villain' was trying to convince Belle not to fall in love.  He said to her, "Don't fall in love.....it takes up so much precious time!" That's when 'it' hit me! I thought to myself, "Yes, being a mom will take up so much time but it is so worth it!"  From that time forward, my husband and I decided that we should pursue adoption and started the necessary paper work. It was interesting because the month we had made up our minds that we should try to adopt a child was the month our daughters birth-mom got pregnant with her.

In June of 1998 my husband, Grant and I were approved as potential adoptive parents. On August 31^st of that same year, we got a letter from a birth-mom in Idaho telling us that she knew we were meant to be the parents of her unborn child. We could hardly believe it! Within a few days we got to go to Idaho and meet our daughters birth-mom and we fell in love with her right away.
Three seemingly very long weeks later, on September 22, 1998, our daughter was born. On September 24^th, (Grant's dads birthday) we drove to the Idaho adoption agency to pick her up. As we walked down the hallway of LDS Family Services to the room where our daughter was, we heard a soft little cry and I could hardly contain myself. When I saw our daughter laying in the bassinet I was overcome with emotion. I asked the adoption worker if I could pick her up and she assuredly said, “She's yours.” Tears of joy spilled from my eyes as I held our daughter for the first time. I kept telling my husband, “She's ours. She's really ours.” I could hardly believe that I was the mother of the most precious and perfect little baby girl. We named her Kaela, which means “ beloved sweetheart.” We were elated and my life long dream of being a mother had come true. 

In the beginning.... A brief history of my early years with depression.

While I was in high school, signs of depression were clearly manifest. Depression runs in both of my parents' families and two of my brothers struggle with it as well. However, it wasn't until about 2 1/2  years after my husband and I were married that I was diagnosed with severe depression. We had been trying to get pregnant and as we continued to be unsuccessful, even while working with different doctors, I became more and more depressed.  My infertility was largely unexplained and several different doctors told me I probably would not conceive a child.* I felt a huge sense of loss which definitely compounded my depression. All my life I had dreamed of having children. I couldn't fathom life any other way.
*(Several years later I found out I have PCOS)

Nothing seemed to matter any more. I didn't feel like there was any point in living.  I was 'let go' from my job at Consumer Credit Counseling because of my erratic behavior which I was unable to explain to my boss.  I felt like nothing but a burden to my family, especially to my husband, Grant. He deserved to have a wife that was happy and productive.

Anti-depressants helped but as soon as I'd start to feel a little better I would stop taking them and end up worse off then when I started. Being stubborn, I did not want to be dependent on antidepressants.  Now I can clearly see how distorted my thinking was.  I just felt deep and unrelenting sadness at the time....not to mention my overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. Life seemed unbearable and miserable. I truly thought that I would never be happy again.  

I started thinking a lot about death and dying. I did some very unreasonable and stupid things which I may talk about later. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit at LDS hospital for about 5 days. When I got home I felt even more depressed than when I went in and shorty after returning home I ended up back in the hospital for another 4-5 days. 

As much as I hated it, being in the hospital did help me come to an important and sobering realization. I knew that if I was going to get better it was going to be largely up to me and the decisions I made. At first this just made me more depressed and hopeless because I felt so weak and powerless.

A major turning point in my life happened when I was in a car accident in April of 1997. While coming down Parley's Canyon I went off the road and ran into the rock mountainside while going between 60-70 mph. When my car came to a stop it had flipped and landed on it's top. I hadn't been wearing my seat belt so I was laying on the inside roof of the car in shattered glass. I just laid there in shock for a few minutes. I couldn't believe I was still alive. Passing motorists called 911. I heard a policeman frantically calling for life flight outside. I was able to pull myself out of the broken window pretty much untouched. All I had was a bruise on my arm and a small scratch on my finger. This was no small miracle. It was at this point that I knew I was on this earth for a reason and if I wasn't going to have children I was going to find out what exactly Heavenly Father had in mind for me. I stopped basing my self worth on whether or not I could conceive. From the moment I had made up my mind about this, everything started to gradually get better.

What is important to realize here is the fact that being put on anti-depressants didn't take away my deep feelings of loss, my low self esteem, etc...They helped 'stabilize' the chemicals in my brain but it wasn't until I made up my mind about working towards progression and realizing my life had purpose, that I was able to move forward towards getting better. (For many people, talking to a therapist while taking anti-depressants is the combination that works best and will help get the person moving in the right direction.)

Quotes I like

Introduction

When I was diagnosed with severe depression (More commonly known as Major Depressive Disorder) about 18 years ago I felt SO alone. I truly thought that I would never be happy again. I didn't think that anyone could understand how I felt, let alone help me. I remember wishing over and over that I could talk to someone who had felt exactly what I was feeling and not only lived to tell about it but were living happy, productive lives. Now, at the age of 39, I can confidently say I am happy and productive and finally accomplishing the things that I have always dreamed of! 

One of my hopes in creating this blog is to find that person or persons who also feel alone and like no one understands them.  I want to share what brought me to where I am now and what held me back for far too long.  I'd also like to hear about your experiences and what has helped you. All I ask is that you keep an open mind, especially to those things that you may previously had been closed minded about, and I will try to do the same.  And please.....give others the benefit of a doubt for only Jesus Christ understands exactly what each of us are going through.

I can't overstate the fact that THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE AND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!


                                             Family photo taken in September 2013