Just as the world is starting to awake from it's winter slumber and the tulips break through the earth, signaling new life, quite the opposite happens in my mind. Like a thief in the night, determined to bury me alive, a darkness seems to cloud my view of what is real and what is not. As if an unseen weight, that has been getting increasingly heavier, has finally knocked me down, making everyday tasks feel quite overwhelming both mentally and physically. It threatens to steal my feelings of hope and replaces them with feelings of doubt, defeat and despair.
Wasn't I doing so good just a few days ago? Wasn't I handling life, my family, my new job, my church calling like a competent and happy person?
I desperately need someone to understand exactly what I am feeling but at the same time, I don't want anyone to know I'm here again. Again, feeling crushed and broken. What about everything I've learned through years past? I fall into the trap of thinking I just need to be less selfish and exercise more will power even though those thoughts have only led me deeper into despair EVERY TIME.
There is one thing I know and that is the fact that this isn't my fault. NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL THIS WAY and just like we can't will away a heart disease, we can't simply will away whatever is going so wrong in our brains.
WE NEED HELP.
There is another thing I am certain of. As much as it feels like it, THIS WON'T LAST FOREVER. I've had too many past experiences that testify of that and even though I have to remind myself of this, sometimes a thousand times a day, moving forward, in even the smallest ways, I will once again see the light ahead and feel those wonderful feelings of peace, and HOPE.
WE WILL MAKE IT AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT!
Love,
Shirley
