Confession time.

Okay, confession time!  I tend to be a little bit impulsive sometimes! Just as my thyroid levels felt like they were coming back into reasonable limits, I was gung ho about cutting the dose of one of my anti-depressants in half, which brings me to another confession.....I am extremely hard-headed. 

On Monday, the 30th of December, I wrote on my calendar:  "Decreased Lexapro to half a pill."  (Yes, I've learned I have to keep track of everything.)  The crazy thing was, I was already borderline 'crazy' because of my thyroid recently functioning too high but I figured that had everything to do with my thyroid and maybe with my thyroid straightening out, I could lower one of my anti-depressants.

It seems I have this internal critic that is constantly telling me, "Shirley, to prove you are strong you need to be on the least amount of medication as possible, especially if the medications are anti-depressants!" 

Last week I had to fill out a medical form and list all of the medications I am taking.  Honestly, I'd rather just tuck that info into the back of my mind and throw away the key!  I have NO problem listing the fact that I take 1500 mg. a day of Metformin for my PCOS or that I take 65 mg. of Nature Throid for my thyroid and a 'natural' progesterone pill to help with my hormonal imbalance So, why is it so hard to list the fact that I take a sleeping pill, 2 different anti-depressants, and an anti-anxiety pill? 
Does needing those things make me weak?  Besides, if I am getting my thyroid and hormone issues straightened out should I even need anti-depressants still?

There shouldn't be any shame in acknowledging that I have a problem with my mind but for some reason I still feel it.  As if I'm an inferior human being because my brain chemistry is lacking.  After all I've been through and all I've seen, why do I hang on to these thoughts?

Well, needless to say, I'm back on my regular dose of Lexapro.  If there is one thing I've learned it's the fact that if I go 5 days straight of not wanting to get out of bed in spite of my best efforts to exercise and eat right and if my thoughts turn so negative that I'm even starting to believe them, etc...  I should NOT  "WAIT IT OUT" until next week!  I need the anti-depressant!  Dang it! I'm only human after all.  But you know what?   Trying to find the right balance won't stop here.  It will just keep me from trying to lower my dose again for a while. 


I will keep learning and figuring things out as I go.

Shirley

Something is off!

While driving in the car a few weeks ago with my 3 kids, one comment from my daughter set me off and I started crying uncontrollably. Something is definitely off.

Three weeks ago I woke up feeling jittery and anxious, just like in the previous few weeks, only worse. I knew that we needed to get out of the house and do something....anything.  It was the first day of "Christmas break" for my kids and after talking about different things we could do I suggested going to "The Quilted Bear"  I had been wanting to go there to just look around at all the unique crafts so I bribed my kids into going by telling them I would buy them a big cookie (they are the size of a plate) if they would come with me.  To my surprise they agreed. 

As we drove to the Quilted Bear we listened to the Christmas music on the radio.  Half way there we were approaching a D.I. and I asked the kids if we could make a quick stop.  My 15 year old daughter got upset and told me, "No mom! There is no such thing as a quick stop to the D.I."  She is mostly right and I mumbled under my breath, "Sometimes it seems like you're the mom and I am the daughter."  My daughter responded by saying, "Well, I did have to be the mom sometimes while you were sleeping."  This seemingly harmless comment reduced me to tears, followed by uncontrollable sobbing.  All the anxiety, exhaustion from insomnia and my over-emotional and depressed state due to my thyroid levels, seemed to explode.  To me, my daughters comment is a definite sign that I have failed my children.  I asked my daughter to explain, hoping she didn't really mean it.  She told me of a few times when she had to help take care of her brothers and how she even made them food.  My 12 year old son shouted from the backseat, "No you didn't!" Then my daughter yelled back at him, "Yes I did!"  It doesn't matter now, I can't go back and change anything.  I feel like I have ruined my kids for life.  My emotions are so out of control that my thinking is flawed but at the same time, I know that I can never repay my kids for the damage that has been done to them while I was so depressed.

As we got closer to "The Quilted Bear" I couldn't stop crying.  I told my kids through my sobs and swollen, mascara smeared eyes that we were NOT going to "The Quilted Bear"  My 12 year old shot his sister a dirty look and my daughter shot him one back.  My 11 year old son continued to sit silently next to his brother.  I asked my daughter to call my sister Esther.  I got on the phone with Esther to confirm she was home and told her that I needed to bring over the kids and get away for awhile to gain my composure.  Still sobbing, my daughter tried to console me by saying, "I didn't mean it mom."  Probably out of desperation my 12 year old son then told me that his sister looked up to me so much that she wanted to be just like me. Their words brought more guilt as I thought about what I was putting them through once again.  Tears kept streaming down my cheeks and I started to heave in small quick breaths of air as memories of the last 5 years came flooding back.

I was a complete mess and upon arriving at my sister's house I just wanted to let the kids out and leave quickly.  I hate for anyone to see me cry and I had no idea how to explain what was wrong with me.  My sister ran outside as I pulled into her drive way and I told her in between sobs that,"I don't feel right"....something is off and I pleaded with her to just let me leave for awhile. I had no idea where I would go or what I would do....I just wanted to be alone.  My sister quickly got into my car and sat in the passenger seat as I cried and tried to explain all the unreasonable things I was feeling. This wasn't the first time she had seen me like this and most likely not the last but she has a way of calming me down and talking some sense into me. Not to mention she is such a great listener!

Something was off as my doctor would confirm in the few days that followed, with my latest thyroid tests. My thyroid was functioning too high, triggering all kinds of havoc in my mind and body.  It will never cease to amaze me how such a small little gland can create so much chaos in your mind and body when it is slightly off. The good news was I was most likely feeling so awful because of my thyroid which meant I would start feeling better within a few weeks of lowering my thyroid dose.  Things are looking up with each passing day.

Wanting to get away or leaving the house when I am upset is nothing new.  While I was struggling with severe depression I would always think to myself that I just needed to go away for awhile until I could come to my senses.  The problem was, my senses, my thoughts and my feelings were so impaired and distorted.  I'm so thankful I can recognize what is happening now, for the most part, and understand the down times won't last!

We can do hard things!
Shirley