Having a hard time right now.....

Classic thought of mine......"I'm doing so good mentally so I'm going to lower my anti-depressant dose and get off my anxiety pills."  When will I ever learn? 
  
About 2 months ago, I switched from one anti-depressant to another that is supposed to do the same thing but is much cheaper.  The dose went down a little too.* 

What I've slowly begun to notice, especially this week: 

*I'm losing interest in the activities I enjoy like going to school,   reading, writing, going to Deseret Industries, etc....
*I've found myself thinking some of my old negative thoughts like "I hate life." "What's the point?" "I'm never going to accomplish my goals."  The thoughts are so automatic.
*I don't want to leave my house and I especially don't want to socialize.
*Saying my prayers and reading my scriptures feels more like a burden rather than something I enjoy.  
*I'm having a much harder time being able to trust my feelings or    rely on the promptings of the Spirit because my thinking is flawed.
*I feel more vulnerable and weak. 
*I get emotional very easily.
*I become extremely self-critical.
*The amount of effort it takes to do everyday tasks feels very 'heavy'
*My personal hygiene has started to suffer. 
*In the past few months I have set goals that I was doing really well with but in the last week I have slacked a lot on. 
*The feeling of confidence that I was finally enjoying has gone away. 
*I feel extremely selfish!
*I discount the nice things that people tell me.
*Too many self-defeating behaviors and thoughts!!!! 


The thought that always comes to my mind when I get so down is this, "I should know better by now and be able to stop these feelings by changing my attitude."  That thought usually just increases my anxiety, especially because it's just not that simple.  And for those of you who have felt it, you know exactly what I am talking about.  The thought that "I just need to be stronger and not so selfish" doesn't help either. (I've tested that theory more times than I can even begin to count.)

So, what helps when I recognize what is happening? (Being able to recognize what is happening before you sink so low is something that has taken me years to figure out but if you can catch yourself 'going downhill' then you will be much further ahead.)
 Here are some of the things that help me:

*First and foremost: cut yourself a break! (haha....what I'm trying to say is cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break.) You would never choose to feel this way so don't beat yourself up with I 'should's' and "I wish I hads" and 'if only's' Do what you can even if it means taking baby steps or just surviving. Remember, 9 times out of 10, no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.
When you are so low you aren't going to be able to continue to do the things you did when you weren't depressed. (That's pretty obvious.)  I am so bad about this when I'm not thinking straight.  In the past I would ask myself things like, "What is wrong with you?" and "Why can't you just be happy?" These thoughts will get you nowhere and will only add more guilt to your already guilt-ridden mind. 

*Just writing down my thoughts and feelings, like I am doing here, helps me take a step back and re-evaluate my approach and my need to "change my course of action" so to speak.
*Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is so helpful.  I highly recommend it to anyone having unwanted negative thoughts about themselves and life in general.  CBT will cause you to challenge your automatic negative thoughts and distortions so you see things more clearly.
*Talking to someone I trust, look up to and respect.
*DOING SOMETHING!  Just making the call to your doctors office may feel overwhelming but don't waste time in getting help.  Life may feel hopeless, you may feel hopeless but don't allow yourself to believe that everything is hopeless because it is not!  As much as I don't want to, I will most likely need to switch back to the higher priced anti-depressant, Aplenzin.  I've already "waited it out" for several weeks now, hoping things will improve but they are not. 
*Keeping a journal of how I feel helps me 'catch' and recognize how much I am dropping in hopes that I won't drop so far. 
*Do not believe your negative thoughts. This one is especially hard because you just aren't thinking rationally. Most often when you or someone you love is struggling with depression, you/they actually believe that they are somehow flawed so badly that nothing will help. (Again, Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you challenge what you so automatically tell yourself and the negative thoughts you might be "entertaining" and even believing.)  I wasn't able to do this until I was put on anti-depressants and working with a therapist and even then, it wasn't easy, but it definitely helps!
*Lifting someone else's burdens, even just a little by sending a card or giving someone a hug will help both you and them.  It's like my dear bishop taught me, "The more we help others, the more we help ourselves."  I believe that whole-heartedly.
*Positive distractions. The last thing you are going to want to do is get out of the house. But just getting out and going to a movie or for a walk, taking a drive up the mountains or along the coast (depending on where you live) will help distract your mind.  I love being in the mountains and escaping all the mundane things of life.  Even little things can make a difference like taking a blanket to the park and having a picnic.  

Please feel free to share what has helped you the most when you are depressed.

Shirley





*Two months ago I was taking an anti-depressant called Aplenzin ER (Bupropion HBR) but it is so expensive.  My brother is almost finished with his internship as a pharmacist and he told me that there is a much cheaper drug that does the same thing, Bupropion Hcl Xl.  Come to find out, the latter anti-depressant is Wellbutrin, which I had been on for about 10 years before I switched to Aplenzin.  My psychiatrist said that the difference between the two drugs is Aplenzin is mixed differently?  It also doesn't help that my thyroid is once again "off" Anyway, it's been about 2 months since I changed from taking the  Aplenzin.  I couldn't even go a few days without my taking an anxiety pill even though I am only taking .05mg. a day.