Having a hard time right now.....

Classic thought of mine......"I'm doing so good mentally so I'm going to lower my anti-depressant dose and get off my anxiety pills."  When will I ever learn? 
  
About 2 months ago, I switched from one anti-depressant to another that is supposed to do the same thing but is much cheaper.  The dose went down a little too.* 

What I've slowly begun to notice, especially this week: 

*I'm losing interest in the activities I enjoy like going to school,   reading, writing, going to Deseret Industries, etc....
*I've found myself thinking some of my old negative thoughts like "I hate life." "What's the point?" "I'm never going to accomplish my goals."  The thoughts are so automatic.
*I don't want to leave my house and I especially don't want to socialize.
*Saying my prayers and reading my scriptures feels more like a burden rather than something I enjoy.  
*I'm having a much harder time being able to trust my feelings or    rely on the promptings of the Spirit because my thinking is flawed.
*I feel more vulnerable and weak. 
*I get emotional very easily.
*I become extremely self-critical.
*The amount of effort it takes to do everyday tasks feels very 'heavy'
*My personal hygiene has started to suffer. 
*In the past few months I have set goals that I was doing really well with but in the last week I have slacked a lot on. 
*The feeling of confidence that I was finally enjoying has gone away. 
*I feel extremely selfish!
*I discount the nice things that people tell me.
*Too many self-defeating behaviors and thoughts!!!! 


The thought that always comes to my mind when I get so down is this, "I should know better by now and be able to stop these feelings by changing my attitude."  That thought usually just increases my anxiety, especially because it's just not that simple.  And for those of you who have felt it, you know exactly what I am talking about.  The thought that "I just need to be stronger and not so selfish" doesn't help either. (I've tested that theory more times than I can even begin to count.)

So, what helps when I recognize what is happening? (Being able to recognize what is happening before you sink so low is something that has taken me years to figure out but if you can catch yourself 'going downhill' then you will be much further ahead.)
 Here are some of the things that help me:

*First and foremost: cut yourself a break! (haha....what I'm trying to say is cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break.) You would never choose to feel this way so don't beat yourself up with I 'should's' and "I wish I hads" and 'if only's' Do what you can even if it means taking baby steps or just surviving. Remember, 9 times out of 10, no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.
When you are so low you aren't going to be able to continue to do the things you did when you weren't depressed. (That's pretty obvious.)  I am so bad about this when I'm not thinking straight.  In the past I would ask myself things like, "What is wrong with you?" and "Why can't you just be happy?" These thoughts will get you nowhere and will only add more guilt to your already guilt-ridden mind. 

*Just writing down my thoughts and feelings, like I am doing here, helps me take a step back and re-evaluate my approach and my need to "change my course of action" so to speak.
*Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is so helpful.  I highly recommend it to anyone having unwanted negative thoughts about themselves and life in general.  CBT will cause you to challenge your automatic negative thoughts and distortions so you see things more clearly.
*Talking to someone I trust, look up to and respect.
*DOING SOMETHING!  Just making the call to your doctors office may feel overwhelming but don't waste time in getting help.  Life may feel hopeless, you may feel hopeless but don't allow yourself to believe that everything is hopeless because it is not!  As much as I don't want to, I will most likely need to switch back to the higher priced anti-depressant, Aplenzin.  I've already "waited it out" for several weeks now, hoping things will improve but they are not. 
*Keeping a journal of how I feel helps me 'catch' and recognize how much I am dropping in hopes that I won't drop so far. 
*Do not believe your negative thoughts. This one is especially hard because you just aren't thinking rationally. Most often when you or someone you love is struggling with depression, you/they actually believe that they are somehow flawed so badly that nothing will help. (Again, Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you challenge what you so automatically tell yourself and the negative thoughts you might be "entertaining" and even believing.)  I wasn't able to do this until I was put on anti-depressants and working with a therapist and even then, it wasn't easy, but it definitely helps!
*Lifting someone else's burdens, even just a little by sending a card or giving someone a hug will help both you and them.  It's like my dear bishop taught me, "The more we help others, the more we help ourselves."  I believe that whole-heartedly.
*Positive distractions. The last thing you are going to want to do is get out of the house. But just getting out and going to a movie or for a walk, taking a drive up the mountains or along the coast (depending on where you live) will help distract your mind.  I love being in the mountains and escaping all the mundane things of life.  Even little things can make a difference like taking a blanket to the park and having a picnic.  

Please feel free to share what has helped you the most when you are depressed.

Shirley





*Two months ago I was taking an anti-depressant called Aplenzin ER (Bupropion HBR) but it is so expensive.  My brother is almost finished with his internship as a pharmacist and he told me that there is a much cheaper drug that does the same thing, Bupropion Hcl Xl.  Come to find out, the latter anti-depressant is Wellbutrin, which I had been on for about 10 years before I switched to Aplenzin.  My psychiatrist said that the difference between the two drugs is Aplenzin is mixed differently?  It also doesn't help that my thyroid is once again "off" Anyway, it's been about 2 months since I changed from taking the  Aplenzin.  I couldn't even go a few days without my taking an anxiety pill even though I am only taking .05mg. a day.   

Deciding to adopt

For the next 8 months after my car accident, and after much fasting, prayer and priesthood blessings, my answer about adopting came in the most unlikely of places.  (Grant had already made up his mind about wanting to adopt and was just waiting for me to decide for myself.)  One of the jobs I had had since high school was cleaning other peoples houses.  One couple who's house I had cleaned had a little boy that Grant and I tended sometimes.  One night in December of 1997 while we were tending 'Sam' we were watching a movie called, "Beauty and the Beast Christmas" (I think that's what it was called) Anyway, in one of the scenes, Forte, the wicked 'villain' was trying to convince Belle not to fall in love.  He said to her, "Don't fall in love.....it takes up so much precious time!" That's when 'it' hit me! I thought to myself, "Yes, being a mom will take up so much time but it is so worth it!"  From that time forward, my husband and I decided that we should pursue adoption and started the necessary paper work. It was interesting because the month we had made up our minds that we should try to adopt a child was the month our daughters birth-mom got pregnant with her.

In June of 1998 my husband, Grant and I were approved as potential adoptive parents. On August 31^st of that same year, we got a letter from a birth-mom in Idaho telling us that she knew we were meant to be the parents of her unborn child. We could hardly believe it! Within a few days we got to go to Idaho and meet our daughters birth-mom and we fell in love with her right away.
Three seemingly very long weeks later, on September 22, 1998, our daughter was born. On September 24^th, (Grant's dads birthday) we drove to the Idaho adoption agency to pick her up. As we walked down the hallway of LDS Family Services to the room where our daughter was, we heard a soft little cry and I could hardly contain myself. When I saw our daughter laying in the bassinet I was overcome with emotion. I asked the adoption worker if I could pick her up and she assuredly said, “She's yours.” Tears of joy spilled from my eyes as I held our daughter for the first time. I kept telling my husband, “She's ours. She's really ours.” I could hardly believe that I was the mother of the most precious and perfect little baby girl. We named her Kaela, which means “ beloved sweetheart.” We were elated and my life long dream of being a mother had come true. 

In the beginning.... A brief history of my early years with depression.

While I was in high school, signs of depression were clearly manifest. Depression runs in both of my parents' families and two of my brothers struggle with it as well. However, it wasn't until about 2 1/2  years after my husband and I were married that I was diagnosed with severe depression. We had been trying to get pregnant and as we continued to be unsuccessful, even while working with different doctors, I became more and more depressed.  My infertility was largely unexplained and several different doctors told me I probably would not conceive a child.* I felt a huge sense of loss which definitely compounded my depression. All my life I had dreamed of having children. I couldn't fathom life any other way.
*(Several years later I found out I have PCOS)

Nothing seemed to matter any more. I didn't feel like there was any point in living.  I was 'let go' from my job at Consumer Credit Counseling because of my erratic behavior which I was unable to explain to my boss.  I felt like nothing but a burden to my family, especially to my husband, Grant. He deserved to have a wife that was happy and productive.

Anti-depressants helped but as soon as I'd start to feel a little better I would stop taking them and end up worse off then when I started. Being stubborn, I did not want to be dependent on antidepressants.  Now I can clearly see how distorted my thinking was.  I just felt deep and unrelenting sadness at the time....not to mention my overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. Life seemed unbearable and miserable. I truly thought that I would never be happy again.  

I started thinking a lot about death and dying. I did some very unreasonable and stupid things which I may talk about later. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit at LDS hospital for about 5 days. When I got home I felt even more depressed than when I went in and shorty after returning home I ended up back in the hospital for another 4-5 days. 

As much as I hated it, being in the hospital did help me come to an important and sobering realization. I knew that if I was going to get better it was going to be largely up to me and the decisions I made. At first this just made me more depressed and hopeless because I felt so weak and powerless.

A major turning point in my life happened when I was in a car accident in April of 1997. While coming down Parley's Canyon I went off the road and ran into the rock mountainside while going between 60-70 mph. When my car came to a stop it had flipped and landed on it's top. I hadn't been wearing my seat belt so I was laying on the inside roof of the car in shattered glass. I just laid there in shock for a few minutes. I couldn't believe I was still alive. Passing motorists called 911. I heard a policeman frantically calling for life flight outside. I was able to pull myself out of the broken window pretty much untouched. All I had was a bruise on my arm and a small scratch on my finger. This was no small miracle. It was at this point that I knew I was on this earth for a reason and if I wasn't going to have children I was going to find out what exactly Heavenly Father had in mind for me. I stopped basing my self worth on whether or not I could conceive. From the moment I had made up my mind about this, everything started to gradually get better.

What is important to realize here is the fact that being put on anti-depressants didn't take away my deep feelings of loss, my low self esteem, etc...They helped 'stabilize' the chemicals in my brain but it wasn't until I made up my mind about working towards progression and realizing my life had purpose, that I was able to move forward towards getting better. (For many people, talking to a therapist while taking anti-depressants is the combination that works best and will help get the person moving in the right direction.)