Is it possible to accurately describe clinical depression? How would you describe it and how could anyone feel or think that life is so bad that death is the only answer?

Everyone experiences depression in their lives at some point which is entirely understandable because life is hard!  But how do you describe what clinical depression feels like to someone who has not experienced it?  Can you describe it or is it something you have to feel/experience in order to fully understand?  And what causes a person to get to the point where they are convinced that death is the only and best answer or way out?  I'm going to attempt to answer these questions but I would love to get feedback from you also!

In the book, "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns, he explains the following:

"Depression is one of the worst forms of suffering....it can seem worse than terminal cancer because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.  Many depressed patients have told me, in fact, that they yearned for death and prayed every night that they would get cancer, so they could die in dignity without having to commit suicide." 

If I could only use one word to describe depression it would be "torture" 

 In the years before my husband and I had children,  I didn't have the words to accurately describe what I was feeling.  All I knew was I was miserable, without hope, I felt worthless and nothing seemed to matter anymore.  I watched the world and people around me, in awe of what they seemed to accomplish day in and day out.  I felt so weighed down mentally and physically that even the smallest tasks like taking a shower and brushing my teeth, felt overwhelming.  I would wake up feeling exhausted and go through the motions of my day, without being moved by anything. I wasn't curious about things, nor did anything interest me, with the exception of holding and spending time with my baby brother who is 20 years younger than me.  Sleep became one of my only respites...to escape the way I felt.
Hiding my dark feelings of shame, guilt  and worthlessness became my life.  I couldn't let anyone know how I felt because I was completely convinced that the main reason I was so depressed was because of my own personal weaknesses.  I thought if I could overcome my selfish behavior and push myself harder to overcome my complete lack of motivation, I could rid myself of the relentless negative thoughts and feelings I had.  I thought I just needed more faith and more will power.  I figured if I became more devoted in my scripture study, attended the temple more often, and could prove myself worthy of good things by trying to serve others, then the darkness and emptiness that consumed me would lift and I would be happy.  While daily devotion to my Father in Heaven and faithfully serving in church callings helped, those things could not overcome the depression I felt on their own.  Just as those things can't heal any illness or disease.  Unfortunately I didn't understand or recognize that at the time.  I felt like Heavenly Father had abandoned me.

One of the hardest things for me was the fact that I couldn't feel the peace and comfort or guidance of the Holy Ghost.  When I prayed I felt nothing, as if my prayers never even left my mind, so they often became mechanical.  It was like I had been abandoned in the most dense and dark place imaginable with no hope of escape. The attempts I had made to try to escape seemed to make me fall deeper into darkness every time I was unsuccessful, causing me to want to just give up even more. I was in a  place so dense that no joy could be felt.  So dense, in fact, that all I could hear were my own relentless, negative thoughts which repeatedly reminded me that I was worthless and hopeless.  From someone standing from the outside, looking in, it made no sense.  I had a wonderful family with great siblings and parents who loved each other.  I had the most wonderful husband, (I still do!) who treated me with love and respect.  But when you are blinded by depression and the ensuing darkness for long enough it's as though you are incapable of feeling anything positive or even seeing positives, period. I felt I was no good to anyone or anything.  I felt so completely isolated and alone and I was certain that no living soul could possibly understand the agony and despair that was nearly my constant companion. There was no use in seeking help....there was no help in my mind.

 I started to feel like I was deserving of this darkness.  It was, in my mind, a punishment that I deserved for all the wrongs I had committed, even though I had never committed any serious sin.  Again, not being able to feel the peace and reassurance that only the Spirit of God can bring, only confirmed my deep feelings of worthlessness.  I tried to convince my husband over and over to leave me and find a happy and capable woman who could give him children.  When it became obvious that he would never do that, I knew the only solution would be for me to die. I was already dead on the inside and I felt I was a hopeless cause.  I didn't see any point in forcing those who loved me to suffer as well.  (That was how badly my thinking was distorted and almost fatally flawed.)  By the time I started to receive help, it was almost too late.  I had tried to take my own life several times. It is only through the grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the watchful care of my loving Father in Heaven that I was able to get help and why I am alive and well today.

In one of my favorite books called, "Reaching For Hope: An LDS Perspective on Suffering from Depression."  By Meghan Decker and Betsy Chatlin, LCSW.  They explain the difference between intense states of sadness and clinical depression:

 "The despair of depression is often unfathomable to those who have not experienced it.  When we feel depressed we feel overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, as well as feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair.  Depression causes us to doubt our abilities and capabilities and consumes us with shame, guilt, and unfathomable feelings of unworthiness.  These feelings render us unable to conceive of ever being happy.  In contrast, when we are sad, we do not feel hopeless, worthless, or guilty without cause.  We feel appropriately sorrowful, despondent, grieving, melancholy, or blue.  While our world might not seem rosy, we do not see everything through the unrelenting gray lens of negativity that is a hallmark of clinical depression.  Sadness is a normal reaction to life's disappointments or losses; it is not an illness.  Depression is a brain illness."

There is most definitely help and hope!  I can confidently tell you that because I have felt true happiness.  It is what keeps me going when I have a set back from trying to lower my medication.  (Like right now!)

Please share experiences you've had.  I would love to hear what has helped you or what you have learned through your struggles and triumphs. 



~Shirley