The inspired and healing words of my bishop.

My former bishop once told me that the reason my depression frustrated me so much was because it wasn't something I could just fix. I couldn't control it and there was 'no end in sight'  He was right! He explained, for example, that when you break your arm you know you will recover in about 6 weeks. 
I had a therapist I went to see a total of 2 times who also explained how a person who is struggling with depression is similar, in some ways, to a person with chronic back pain, (or any chronic illness for that matter) For instance, the person suffering can find ways to ease the pain and learn to cope with it but the likelihood of the back problems or clinical depression going away entirely are slim.  There will be days when they feel pretty good and then there will be days that the person is completely debilitated. This made complete sense to me. That is exactly how depression feels. What complicates depression is the fact that the person isn't thinking rationally.  Everything they look at is distorted as if looking through tainted glasses.  In a severely depressed persons mind, there is no end to what you are feeling.

By the summer of 2008, my bishop had been serving for almost 3 years.  He needed the experience before I started to 'unload' on him. ;) I was very cautious at first, wondering if my bishop would be able to understand the depth of what I was feeling. I worried that I would appear weak and selfish, etc. I kept a lot of my feelings guarded and hidden for so long because of this.

One of the things that helped me feel more comfortable with my bishop was the fact that I had tried to help him understand what another member of our ward, who was also struggling with depression, might be going through by sharing some of my personal experiences with depression.  This really helped me start to tear down the wall I had built. You may find it helpful to write a letter to your own bishop about what is going on before you meet with him in his office.  I found it was too much pressure to go in 'cold turkey.' Where would I even start?

Because bishops are entitled to revelation about the members of their ward, a sensitive bishop, inspired by the Lord, can be invaluable. I felt worthless and hopeless inside, but when my bishop would reassure me of Heavenly Father's love for me and could tell me with conviction that I was a good and worthy person, I knew he actually believed that.  Even more importantly, I knew that Heavenly Father believed that too. My Bishop had a way of mixing his keen sense of humor with inspiring examples and even his own personal experiences, which made him easy to talk to. When my bishop counseled me, often he would tell me the exact things that I needed to hear.  Things that I felt only my Father in Heaven could have known I was struggling with. My ability to feel the presence of the Holy Ghost was so impaired that I hung on my bishop's every word.  One time in particular, my bishop looked at me and said in all sincerity, "You know, Shirley, it's not your fault you are feeling this way."  When he said this it was like the most healing balm was finally penetrating the open wound of my soul.  I could hardly believe him at first.  Of course the way I felt was my fault, wasn't it? (Since depression is an illness of the brain, all too often, myself included, we think we just need to think more positively, etc... While positive thinking is very important,  it cannot heal clinical depression on it's own. Personally, I couldn't work towards progression until the chemicals in my brain were starting to function properly by taking an antidepressant.

In the middle of March 2009 I was beside myself.  I hated the person I was and the fact that I couldn't just recognize my many blessings and choose to be happy.  I had a constant negative battle going on in my mind and I felt trapped in the most hellish place. In the year previous to that time I had told myself over and over that life was worth living and to just hold on. I would tell myself that with God all things are possible and there was nothing I couldn't do with His help.  But as I continued to be unsuccessful with finding a new anti-depressant to replace the Effexor that I had been on for 10 plus years, I continued to spiral downward and I couldn't do it anymore.  I had felt little to no joy for almost a year at that time and I felt like a waste of a human being.  Satan seemed to be at my throat constantly and I had no strength, no desire and no will to fight any longer. I felt so much guilt and hopelessness as I thought there was no way I could ever be good enough, kind enough, selfless enough or strong enough...so why continue to try? In my distorted thinking, I would always fall endlessly short of who I expected, and thought my Father in Heaven expected me to be.

That night in 2009, shaking with anxiety and despair, I was convinced that it would be better for my children if I just left and never came back. Around 9-10pm I kissed each of them goodbye and left my house.  My then 8 year old son started crying hysterically, begging me not to go and then my 6 year old son, who has Aspergers and who rarely shows emotion, came after me, in distress.  I walked faster as tears streamed down my cheeks. I hadn't gone very far before I noticed my husband following me.  I was angry at him at first because I just wanted to be alone but as we walked I started pouring out my anguish and heartache to him.  We walked and talked for over an hour and he tried to talk me into going to the hospital but I saw no point in that.  Finally he convinced me to at least come home, take an anxiety pill, and call my doctor in the morning.  I agreed but by morning I was still despondent and without hope.  My bishop called me that morning after being alerted by one of my friends about what was going on but I didn't want to talk to anyone.  He then sent me an email that addressed so much of what was weighing on my mind.
  
In the email my bishop talked about so many encouraging things that I desperately needed to hear. I'm not going to mention everything but he reminded me of the ways Jesus Christ had suffered unimaginable pain and did our Father in Heaven let Him suffer because He had sinned? No. My bishop talked about how well our Father in Heaven knows each of us and that is why we are all given different challenges and trials.  Heavenly Father does not delight in our suffering but rather knows we are capable of great things. My bishop explained that when we hurt, when we have pain, guilt, anguish or suffer in any way it grieves our Father in Heaven. Just as we grieve for our own children when they are hurting or suffering. He wants us to be happy even more than we want happiness for ourselves.  He understands our abilities and knows that "all these things shall give us experience" and not only help us in this life but in the eternities.

My bishop explained how Heavenly Father just wants us to do our best.  He pointed out, for instance, in the blessing on the bread during the sacrament, it states: "....that they "are willing" to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them..."  So as long as we are willing and try to do our best, the Lord will be happy with our efforts. We will be perfected only through Jesus Christ. (D&C 76:69). My bishop went on to say that in the scripture found in 3 Nephi 12:48 that Christ was speaking from an eternal perspective when He said, "Therefore, be ye perfect even as I or your Father who is in Heaven is perfect."  So, our ultimate goal is to become as Christ and our Father in heaven are, perfect.  But it won't happen in this lifetime, not to anyone save Jesus Christ.

I had no idea Christ was speaking from an eternal perspective in the above mentioned scripture.  I had heard that perfection was not obtainable in this life but I never really understood what people were getting at. To know that perfection was not expected of me made a huge difference in how I perceived things. I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me.  Even though I still continued to struggle with depression, it went such a long way in helping me understand that as long as I continued to do my best, to get up each time I fell, so to speak, I could and would make it!  I was not a hopeless cause. I just needed a lot of reassurance and encouragement (okay, a ton of reassurance) while my doctor and I tried to find the right medication.

My bishop's love and counsel literally sustained me through the times I thought all hope was lost.  To this day, he and his wife are very dear friends of mine.  

One day we will be free from all the negative effects of living in a mortal world.  I know that Heavenly Father is with us especially when it may feel like He isn't. Because of my overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, I actually felt that I was not worthy to pray at times.  So often, all I could do is pray. No one is ever unworthy to pray! I read a great saying recently about the fact that Satan tries to limit our prayers because our prayers limit him.

Heavenly Father has always placed very dear and wonderful people on my path.  People whose words and acts of kindness sustained and continue to sustain me in profound ways.  I owe my life to them and to my dear bishop and of course to all the unseen angels in my life.

Never underestimate the power of a small act of kindness, an encouraging word or even a gentle and caring touch.

We can and will make it!  "With God, all things are possible!"

Shirley