Just as the world is starting to awake from it's winter slumber and the tulips break through the earth, signaling new life, quite the opposite happens in my mind. Like a thief in the night, determined to bury me alive, a darkness seems to cloud my view of what is real and what is not. As if an unseen weight, that has been getting increasingly heavier, has finally knocked me down, making everyday tasks feel quite overwhelming both mentally and physically. It threatens to steal my feelings of hope and replaces them with feelings of doubt, defeat and despair.
Wasn't I doing so good just a few days ago? Wasn't I handling life, my family, my new job, my church calling like a competent and happy person?
I desperately need someone to understand exactly what I am feeling but at the same time, I don't want anyone to know I'm here again. Again, feeling crushed and broken. What about everything I've learned through years past? I fall into the trap of thinking I just need to be less selfish and exercise more will power even though those thoughts have only led me deeper into despair EVERY TIME.
There is one thing I know and that is the fact that this isn't my fault. NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL THIS WAY and just like we can't will away a heart disease, we can't simply will away whatever is going so wrong in our brains.
WE NEED HELP.
There is another thing I am certain of. As much as it feels like it, THIS WON'T LAST FOREVER. I've had too many past experiences that testify of that and even though I have to remind myself of this, sometimes a thousand times a day, moving forward, in even the smallest ways, I will once again see the light ahead and feel those wonderful feelings of peace, and HOPE.
WE WILL MAKE IT AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT!
Love,
Shirley
My dear friend, you are a pillar! It is not easy to let other people know how badly we are struggling. I used to think that I understood major depression, until that "thief in the night" made what appeared to be a grand entrance, on center stage in MY LIFE! My eyes now are wide open to the devastation and pain depression causes, I understand like never before! looking back I can see clearly that where I am now did not appear over night, no, it grew little by little, over many years. Looking back I can see how I buried it all, I didn't want anyone to know how down and sad I am. After all I could not come up with a single reason to be sad or down. I thought I was not trying hard enough, I am not positive enough, a long list of reasons why I was not doing enough to feel happy. The past few weeks, have been my lowest, I am not fit to take care of even myself. it is a though happiness, joy, life have been sucked out of me. Desperately, I am holding on to hope that I can make it through this week to receive therapy for OCD, then from there begin an inpatient program for depression and other things. I do not claim to know what you are going through, but I do understand. I am here for you. We will get through this.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote you a long reply but apparently I don't know how to post on my own blog. Let me just say, I love you!! You described depression so accurately. It makes such a big difference to know there are others who understand what you are feeling. You're right, it is a gradual decline that one day just catches up and collapses on top of you. It is not the path for the weak of anything and yet that is exactly how I feel....weak. You are always in my thoughts and prayers dear Sarah.
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